Remember that time?

While chatting with an old friend the other night, I offhandedly mentioned that I've grown a gray hair or two since we last saw each other. I tried to point out their location to him and, by vain instinct, I started to light-heartedly lament their existence.

Before I could continue on though, my friend had to stop me in my tracks.

The first thing he said was, "Good!"

I gave him a quizzical look back.

Again, he said, "Good!" Then he added, "Wisdom! That means you're gaining wisdom."

* * *

Experience is the best teacher as the saying goes.

When I turned 28 a few weeks ago, I certainly gave thought to how I'm now truly on the back-end of my 20's, but I didn't really pause to reflect on it.

The conversation about my silver streaks got me thinking though.

* * *

I've got this book on my nightstand that has a really cheesy cover graphic. It's a picture of an egg being held in a mechanical C-clamp that's pinching the shell along its long edge. The book's title is "You're Stronger Than You Think," an homage to an egg's surprising strength when stressed from top to bottom. Eggs are much sturdier than they appear!

The theme of the book is discovering your inner-strength that comes from knowing God.

Recently, something clicked in my head and I've suddenly gained a similar swagger to that resilient egg on the book cover. (Sir Sheldon, I’ll call him.)

* * *

Like most almost-30's, I've been through various ordeals that are almost rites of passage for us all. I've had hardship with my family. I've had the experience of getting my heart pulverized by someone special. I've had mental and physical tribulations. I've had trials with school and work. And then there were all the random disappointments too.

Yet in light of how God was with me through all that and how He got me through it, and considering who He is for me , I'm learning to appreciate those hard times more and more.

Lately, life has put me in some tight spots, but I've been able to recall God's faithfulness and I've been saying this one particular phrase to encourage myself: "I've been in this situation before."

I've been using that line like trash talk too, using it to take a snipe at the original hater, Satan, who wants me to believe the lies that I'll crumble under the pressure. When Satan tries to get me to focus on my "daunting" circumstances, I just say, "I've been in this situation before."

I’ve also been using it to reassure myself when an earthly problem starts to look imposing. "I've been in this situation before." It has a calming effect on me and helps me to refocus on what God is doing.

* * *

Five years ago, I didn't have any of these stiff gray strands. But I also hadn't been in a lot of situations before.

So like my friend said about my decaying hair, “Good! Wisdom!”

Thank you notes

Cross-post from my new blog at katiemurchisonross.blogspot.com. I thought this fits in the Hyattsville conversation too. :)

I finally just finished writing all the thank you notes from wedding gifts. Although it gets tedious, and although it probably didn't need to take me two and a half months, I was trying to remember with each sentence, each card, each envelope, that it is truly a blessing to have had so many wonderful people in my life that it takes me ten weeks to thank all of them.

Everyone's gifts, from handmade to generously-given cash and gift cards, were beautiful. Two gifts touched me in particular, both from old friends of my mother who I've not seen in years and who were not invited to the wedding.

One was from a family who took care of me in the 1980s. In the letter, they explained that they took me home on Sunday mornings after the early church service and took care of me while my mother played the organ and my father sang in the choir (and my mother added they never let her pay for their babysitting). Apparently they would often make waffles for Sunday brunch, and were amazed at the amount that I, as a two year old, could eat. When they heard that I was getting married, they all decided I should have my own waffle iron complete with their long-tested waffle recipe. Of course, I have no memory of any of this, and after we moved in 1989, saw them only a handful of times in the 1990s.

The other was a simple gift of an apron and dish cloths from an old French couple who befriended my mother when she was a college student studying in Aix-en-Provence in southern France. We lived in Paris for a year when I was three, and visited them often during that time. Over the years, their grandchildren would come to stay with us for  couple months in the summer to practice English, and my brother stayed with them for a few weeks to practice French. I myself never went, though our family returned to France and visited their home in 1996. I was happy and touched to receive their gift in the mail a few weeks before the wedding. Then the day before the wedding, in the middle of assembling flowers and putting together lunch for the 15 people who were at our house helping/visiting, the phone rang. I answered. It was Charles, the old man. He told me in a mixture of French and English, how happy he was for me and that he wished me the greatest joy and blessings on my wedding day, that he was praying for us, that he knew God's love would sustain us. I bumbled some thank-yous, understanding his French but unable to respond, and returned to the kitchen where my bridesmaids had finished assembling lunch. As I sat down at the kitchen table, I couldn't stop crying. Of course I was very emotional that day for many reasons, but I was completely surprised at my own reaction to a man I hadn't seen in fifteen years and didn't know very well. I didn't know why I reacted so strongly.

Now I know. Not only have I been blessed by the love of many wonderful people throughout my life, but it started even before that. There are many special people who have been in my life since childhood, or high school, or college. Hopefully they'll be in my life a long time. But there are people who've been in my mother's life for decades. And people who have loved her since 1972 love me too. And it is not only throughout my life that I've been shown love. At my birth I was already surrounded by the love that my parents had cultivated and given throughout their lives. It's an ever-expanding, international community of friendship and generosity and love, and I was overcome by it.

Extrovert Blues.

            I zip up my blue jacket and lace up my new shoes, when I realize I’ve spent all weekend caught up in the extrovert blues. It been a long time coming so here's the thing: my friend’s boyfriend liked it so he bought her a ring. Playful and laughing, they show us the healing and provision that comes from God.

  While smiling and giggling with them, on the inside I was scared of losing yet another close friendship.

It has been said that our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses. Mine, I think, has to do so much with people. They tell me it's a strength - connecting, welcoming, listening, remembering, sharing warmth, spending time. And it is, which I appreciate and use. But it is what I am made for. It’s a longing that I can’t turn on or off. The gift of connecting with people is like a hot potato burning your hand when it is not in use. I long to connect with others, share love, share time; not being able to do so is also uncomfortable.

        Last Friday, we went out on U street to dance. I watched many couples, lost in each other and themselves, clueless to their surroundings. Smiling, they looked at each other and moved to the beat, and seemed unaware of the silly mismatched groups like ours, and of the homeless-looking guy who walked in and stood along the wall by himself. I don’t want to be like those couples. There’s a whole world out there beyond their romance, and it could benefit from their attention and gifts.  I think the reason I want someone extroverted, with good social skills, who can "hold their own" in a variety of settings, is because I want a relationship that's outwardly focused. Making your relationship all about you and the other person is an easy trap to fall into. I think I am made for something more outward.

I have read several articles giving voice to the introverts – explaining that they are not boring or dull, they are actually quite interesting but may not be able to show it at parties, explaining that they are deep thinkers… but what about us extroverts? It can be assumed that extroverts are attention-hungry, but they also do better in the social gathering/ mingling scene. It’s true, we like attention - both receiving and giving it. We’re seen as the fun-loving party animals, and we may come across as lacking depth of thought that is evident in the introverts. Who is going to give voice to our struggles?

             In November, I had a party. The place buzzed with voices and music; wine glistened. Katy repeatedly told me how special i am and how many people love me . It's true, I have poured out a lot of time an effort into these folks, and I was so thankful to have them reciprocate. I loved hosting them and spending time together, especially when I got them to dance in a group. From the outside I am sure I looked like the one who has it all-  friends, fun, attention, affection, health, others to cook for me and help me clean up, companionship, and even a couple of flirty dances. Especially to the introverts, it might have seemed like the dream come true kind of thing.

        But the truth is, I know what it means to be alone. There are few things as depressing as lack of human connection when you long for it.

     To an extrovert, loneliness is a heavier burden, bothersome enough to make you want to crawl out of your skin. To me, the party was not glamour nor the cherry on top. It was one of the rare days when i knew my need for companionship would fulfilled, if only for a little bit. It was one night where i didnt have to wonder whether humanity would seem distant and cold, whether my purpose and gifts would be unused.  It wasn't as much showing off as it was meeting a need, which doesn’t seem met most days.

Just days after the party, the lonely extrovert was overtaken by the blues. I am grasping for consistency and permanence in a temporary and changing world. Take that, introverts. Take that, extroverts. At the end of the day, we all have a need to connect, think, relate, and have community, maybe just in our different ways.