Extrovert Blues.

            I zip up my blue jacket and lace up my new shoes, when I realize I’ve spent all weekend caught up in the extrovert blues. It been a long time coming so here's the thing: my friend’s boyfriend liked it so he bought her a ring. Playful and laughing, they show us the healing and provision that comes from God.

  While smiling and giggling with them, on the inside I was scared of losing yet another close friendship.

It has been said that our greatest strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses. Mine, I think, has to do so much with people. They tell me it's a strength - connecting, welcoming, listening, remembering, sharing warmth, spending time. And it is, which I appreciate and use. But it is what I am made for. It’s a longing that I can’t turn on or off. The gift of connecting with people is like a hot potato burning your hand when it is not in use. I long to connect with others, share love, share time; not being able to do so is also uncomfortable.

        Last Friday, we went out on U street to dance. I watched many couples, lost in each other and themselves, clueless to their surroundings. Smiling, they looked at each other and moved to the beat, and seemed unaware of the silly mismatched groups like ours, and of the homeless-looking guy who walked in and stood along the wall by himself. I don’t want to be like those couples. There’s a whole world out there beyond their romance, and it could benefit from their attention and gifts.  I think the reason I want someone extroverted, with good social skills, who can "hold their own" in a variety of settings, is because I want a relationship that's outwardly focused. Making your relationship all about you and the other person is an easy trap to fall into. I think I am made for something more outward.

I have read several articles giving voice to the introverts – explaining that they are not boring or dull, they are actually quite interesting but may not be able to show it at parties, explaining that they are deep thinkers… but what about us extroverts? It can be assumed that extroverts are attention-hungry, but they also do better in the social gathering/ mingling scene. It’s true, we like attention - both receiving and giving it. We’re seen as the fun-loving party animals, and we may come across as lacking depth of thought that is evident in the introverts. Who is going to give voice to our struggles?

             In November, I had a party. The place buzzed with voices and music; wine glistened. Katy repeatedly told me how special i am and how many people love me . It's true, I have poured out a lot of time an effort into these folks, and I was so thankful to have them reciprocate. I loved hosting them and spending time together, especially when I got them to dance in a group. From the outside I am sure I looked like the one who has it all-  friends, fun, attention, affection, health, others to cook for me and help me clean up, companionship, and even a couple of flirty dances. Especially to the introverts, it might have seemed like the dream come true kind of thing.

        But the truth is, I know what it means to be alone. There are few things as depressing as lack of human connection when you long for it.

     To an extrovert, loneliness is a heavier burden, bothersome enough to make you want to crawl out of your skin. To me, the party was not glamour nor the cherry on top. It was one of the rare days when i knew my need for companionship would fulfilled, if only for a little bit. It was one night where i didnt have to wonder whether humanity would seem distant and cold, whether my purpose and gifts would be unused.  It wasn't as much showing off as it was meeting a need, which doesn’t seem met most days.

Just days after the party, the lonely extrovert was overtaken by the blues. I am grasping for consistency and permanence in a temporary and changing world. Take that, introverts. Take that, extroverts. At the end of the day, we all have a need to connect, think, relate, and have community, maybe just in our different ways.